hissingcockroach: (Default)
[personal profile] hissingcockroach
The trouble with being the Worst Person Ever, of course, is that it doesn't give you a lot of motivation to change. Even if you do a lot better, you'll maybe make it to "Bottom 10% Of People Ever", and that just doesn't seem like a great incentive. May as well keep being Worst, at least it's distinctive.

I started this blog--which presumably no one is reading, but which, like all public web pages, has a potential audience of billions--on the advice of my therapist. I was complaining about how all my fears are of stupid, mundane, nebulous things, like talking about my emotions or doing anything blameworthy ever or associating with groups of children. You can get help and support groups for fears of public speaking or spiders, but I don't have those nice concrete fears. I fear that people are secretly judging me, and that's not a fear it is possible to confront, insofar as I'm not telepathic--and if I started going around asking people "Are you secretly judging me?" I expect the answer would be "well, I am NOW, you paranoid dumbass."

Anyway, my therapist suggested that maybe I could present my little fears to the world and work on overcoming then for an audience, because I actually live for attention. You, my imaginary audience, are supposed to help me with my imaginary fears by daring me to overcome them--and perhaps overcoming my fears in this performative way will give me the incentive that just "not being the worst person in the world" somehow can't provide.

So, imaginary audience, dare me to do some shit.
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