sloth

Nov. 6th, 2016 03:48 pm
hissingcockroach: (Default)
You know, it was 7.5 hours from when I woke up this morning to when I bothered to get off the couch and shower and put on some pants? I continue to disgust myself. I can't tell anyone the extent of this affliction, I'm too ashamed, and too convinced that if I really cared enough I could just stop, just be a normal person who can live a normal life. But I'm too in love with my pain, or something. I'm not sure if broadcasting my self-loathing to the void on here really helps, but at least it's a chance to articulate it.

I just don't have anything to live for. I don't want anything. All I have left is stuff I want to avoid--embarrassing myself, hurting my loved ones--and I'm afraid that even that is getting worn away over time.

They say you're supposed to have self-compassion, but while I can intellectually see why that's helpful, it's always sounded wrong to me. Not sure why. Just sounds like an excuse. They say, would you treat a friend the way you're treating yourself? And my response is, of course not, but I can't see inside my friend's head. If I could see inside their head and they were being as slothful, self-pitying, and excuse-laden as I am, maybe I WOULD call them an asshole.

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hissingcockroach

November 2016

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