Nov. 6th, 2016 05:59 pm
hissingcockroach: (Default)
I added a user icon. I chose the name of this blog because a despised creature named after its primary method of complaining seemed appropriate to the theme. But in reality, I think hissing cockroaches are pretty cool animals--so there's some secret hope for redemption there, I guess.

It occurs to me now that it might have been more appropriate to pick an animal that is outwardly acceptable but has little-known awful behaviors. Being despised by most but secretly pretty cool, like a cockroach, seems preferable to being outwardly tolerable but secretly abhorrent, which seems closer to my current situation. I guess even in this blog devoted to how shitty I am, I managed to sneak in some undeserved self-regard.

When I was a kid, my fantasy self was often a big toothy monster that scared everyone away except for the occasional brave soul willing to try to befriend it. Maybe that's what I should aspire to.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
Here's a fear: fear of thinking about work. If I think about work, I'll think about the ways in which I've failed at work. And if I think about the ways in which I've failed at work, I'll imagine the contempt in which my colleagues hold me and the fact that I can never get back into their good graces. And I'll think about how I'm too old to start over in a new career and I would be bad at it anyway, and I see the rest of my life fall away into an abyss of meaninglessness caused by my own cowardice and sloth.

Isn't it impressive that my mind can spin that much existential dread out of a stupid listicle about my field, or a five-minute work assignment? I should write plays or something.

Anyway. Here goes. I'm going to face the abyss and think about work. I'm even gonna start on a work project.

...okay, first attempt got derailed. "I didn't know Windows 10 came with Minecraft installed."

Second attempt: got as far as opening the program, then I had to go look something up in email and I ended up on a blog that led to a Wikipedia spiral.

Third attempt: I wrote two paragraphs before noping out and distracting myself. At least this time I noticed the distraction while it was happening, even if I did fail to stop it.

Fourth attempt: I think I got distracted again in the middle, but I finished this five-minute task! It only took me like forty minutes!

Chalk this one up in the SUCCESS column. Let's see if I can keep it going.


hissingcockroach: (Default)

November 2016

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