hissingcockroach: (Default)
I've been unnecessarily paranoid about obscuring as many aspects of my identity as possible, but I suppose that it's okay to mention that I'm disappointed in the results of the recent presidential election in the United States; that only narrows it down to about 50% of the US population, and it's already obvious I'm in the US because I write using American spelling and idiom. Anyway, for a brief shining moment there, I was upset for a reason I couldn't blame on myself. It was paradoxically pleasant.

Now I'm back to my resting state of bitter self-hatred and ineffectuality, though. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

I've been thinking, though, about truth, and self-assessment, and the ways in which recent events have proven that having an unrealistically high self-assessment does not seem to be a barrier to success. Having an unrealistically low self-assessment, on the other hand, does seem to present problems--at least if you react to it the way I tend to, which is to say, by curling up in a little ball of self-hatred and wishing I didn't exist. (I guess I can say "wishing I was dead" here. I reflexively euphemise my suicidal ideation because I don't want to worry people, but no one here knows me so I don't have to worry about it. I'm really not going to commit suicide, both because it would devastate my loved ones and because it has such a high probability of leading to long-term disability instead of death. But I do think about it a lot and I wish I could talk about it more without worrying about getting carted off to a mental institution.)

So anyway, I want to take a break from self-criticism to state some positive things that I intellectually believe to be true, even if I find them emotionally unconvincing:
- I am somewhat competent at a lot of things, even work things.
- Most people I know like me, or at least have positive feelings toward me. They would probably have a positive reaction to me reaching out and making social contact, even if I am not very good at it, even if it has been a while.
- I care a lot about doing the right thing, possibly too much, even though I fall short sometimes
- There are many people who procrastinate just as pathologically as I do, feel just as much self-pity, and are generally broken in similar ways. I am sure no one is broken quite exactly like me, but I have compatriots.
- Sometimes I will fuck up and that's OK. Sometimes I will even fuck up over and over and over again, apparently never learning anything from my mistakes, and that is STILL okay because it turns out that humans are very prone to that sort of thing and I am, among other things, a human. In the event that someone looks down on me for fucking up, well, there is nothing I can do about that, they are entitled to their opinion.
I am one single fucked-up human being and I cannot save the world and I cannot do everything perfectly and I cannot make everyone like me or respect me.

Basically, I tend to shut down upon trying to do anything useful because it reminds me either that I haven't done the thing yet, or I don't know how to do the thing, and therefore I am THE WORST, and I shrivel up into a little ball of anxiety and self-hatred and can't do the thing. It's very self-defeating.

I mean, let's posit that I am indeed the worst person in the world--well, I've ruled out suicide, attractive as it is, so that leaves just continuing to muddle through and do the best I can while being the worst person in the world. I mean, really, if I manage to get anything done whilst being the worst, laziest, most cowardly, most procrastinate-y person in the world, that's pretty impressive, isn't it? I should get a gold star.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
Haven't posted here for a while. I guess I gave up on it. Like I give up on everything! Because I am too dysfunctional even to do things I enjoy, let alone fulfill my actual responsibilities!

(I don't know why screaming self-deprecating tirades like this into the void is so appealing in this venue. Maybe because there's nowhere else i can do it.)

Anyway, all my functional friends are doing this National Novel Writing Month thing. Obviously I have no hope of being together enough to do that. But I thought maybe i could do my own private National Coping Month, where every day I do something i have been putting off for weeks and then blog about it here. National Coping and Journaling Month. NaCoJoMo. Except it's not national; I'm not even planning to tell anyone else I'm doing it because I'm so fucking embarrassed about the kinds of things I've been letting slide. So more of a PerCoJoMo.

Today's thing was doing that with project I've been putting off. Tomorrow's thing will be the OTHER with project I've been putting off. God, I'm such an irresponsible shithead.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
Here's a fear: fear of thinking about work. If I think about work, I'll think about the ways in which I've failed at work. And if I think about the ways in which I've failed at work, I'll imagine the contempt in which my colleagues hold me and the fact that I can never get back into their good graces. And I'll think about how I'm too old to start over in a new career and I would be bad at it anyway, and I see the rest of my life fall away into an abyss of meaninglessness caused by my own cowardice and sloth.

Isn't it impressive that my mind can spin that much existential dread out of a stupid listicle about my field, or a five-minute work assignment? I should write plays or something.

Anyway. Here goes. I'm going to face the abyss and think about work. I'm even gonna start on a work project.

...okay, first attempt got derailed. "I didn't know Windows 10 came with Minecraft installed."

Second attempt: got as far as opening the program, then I had to go look something up in email and I ended up on a blog that led to a Wikipedia spiral.

Third attempt: I wrote two paragraphs before noping out and distracting myself. At least this time I noticed the distraction while it was happening, even if I did fail to stop it.

Fourth attempt: I think I got distracted again in the middle, but I finished this five-minute task! It only took me like forty minutes!

Chalk this one up in the SUCCESS column. Let's see if I can keep it going.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
The trouble with being the Worst Person Ever, of course, is that it doesn't give you a lot of motivation to change. Even if you do a lot better, you'll maybe make it to "Bottom 10% Of People Ever", and that just doesn't seem like a great incentive. May as well keep being Worst, at least it's distinctive.

I started this blog--which presumably no one is reading, but which, like all public web pages, has a potential audience of billions--on the advice of my therapist. I was complaining about how all my fears are of stupid, mundane, nebulous things, like talking about my emotions or doing anything blameworthy ever or associating with groups of children. You can get help and support groups for fears of public speaking or spiders, but I don't have those nice concrete fears. I fear that people are secretly judging me, and that's not a fear it is possible to confront, insofar as I'm not telepathic--and if I started going around asking people "Are you secretly judging me?" I expect the answer would be "well, I am NOW, you paranoid dumbass."

Anyway, my therapist suggested that maybe I could present my little fears to the world and work on overcoming then for an audience, because I actually live for attention. You, my imaginary audience, are supposed to help me with my imaginary fears by daring me to overcome them--and perhaps overcoming my fears in this performative way will give me the incentive that just "not being the worst person in the world" somehow can't provide.

So, imaginary audience, dare me to do some shit.

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