Nov. 6th, 2016 03:48 pm
hissingcockroach: (Default)
You know, it was 7.5 hours from when I woke up this morning to when I bothered to get off the couch and shower and put on some pants? I continue to disgust myself. I can't tell anyone the extent of this affliction, I'm too ashamed, and too convinced that if I really cared enough I could just stop, just be a normal person who can live a normal life. But I'm too in love with my pain, or something. I'm not sure if broadcasting my self-loathing to the void on here really helps, but at least it's a chance to articulate it.

I just don't have anything to live for. I don't want anything. All I have left is stuff I want to avoid--embarrassing myself, hurting my loved ones--and I'm afraid that even that is getting worn away over time.

They say you're supposed to have self-compassion, but while I can intellectually see why that's helpful, it's always sounded wrong to me. Not sure why. Just sounds like an excuse. They say, would you treat a friend the way you're treating yourself? And my response is, of course not, but I can't see inside my friend's head. If I could see inside their head and they were being as slothful, self-pitying, and excuse-laden as I am, maybe I WOULD call them an asshole.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
The trouble with being the Worst Person Ever, of course, is that it doesn't give you a lot of motivation to change. Even if you do a lot better, you'll maybe make it to "Bottom 10% Of People Ever", and that just doesn't seem like a great incentive. May as well keep being Worst, at least it's distinctive.

I started this blog--which presumably no one is reading, but which, like all public web pages, has a potential audience of billions--on the advice of my therapist. I was complaining about how all my fears are of stupid, mundane, nebulous things, like talking about my emotions or doing anything blameworthy ever or associating with groups of children. You can get help and support groups for fears of public speaking or spiders, but I don't have those nice concrete fears. I fear that people are secretly judging me, and that's not a fear it is possible to confront, insofar as I'm not telepathic--and if I started going around asking people "Are you secretly judging me?" I expect the answer would be "well, I am NOW, you paranoid dumbass."

Anyway, my therapist suggested that maybe I could present my little fears to the world and work on overcoming then for an audience, because I actually live for attention. You, my imaginary audience, are supposed to help me with my imaginary fears by daring me to overcome them--and perhaps overcoming my fears in this performative way will give me the incentive that just "not being the worst person in the world" somehow can't provide.

So, imaginary audience, dare me to do some shit.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
I was feeling pretty good today! I had a meeting with my boss where I explained a bunch of stuff I was going to do. My boss didn't even ask me about all the shit I was supposed to have been doing for the last week. I came out of the meeting ready to be productive!

Then I once again didn't do a single thing. Fuck me.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
So here's what I did today: I called in sick to get an extra day so I'd have SOMETHING to show my boss, and then I did--guess what?--absolutely nothing! This may be a new low.

This has been an impressive week for me, procrastination-wise. I think I may actually have gone the entire week without getting a single work thing done. I mean, that takes dedication. I've definitely put in my 10,000 hours on procrastinating. I guess I should make that my new career. You'd think I'd get bored of it.
hissingcockroach: (Default)
I am badly, badly addicted to the Internet. Or, arguably, I am addicted to reading. I have spent literally about sixteen hours today mainlining words off news sites, Reddit, wikis, and anything else I can find, with occasional breaks to play stupid phone games (and sometimes slightly intelligent phone games, as if that's better.) This habit is why I am the worst person in the world. I have been addicted to reading since I learned to read, pretty much.

Things I am avoiding right now:

- providing extremely simple $workthing to $colleague1 who has been waiting for it for three weeks
- providing marginally more complicated $workthing to $colleague2 who has been waiting for it for three *months*
- paying bills
- booking plane tickets for Christmas
- booking hotels for $conference
- booking plane tickets for $businesstrip
- making an appointment with my new personal trainer
- sending out invites for a board game night
- turning in 2 weeks of timesheets
- probably a bunch of other shit because I am the worst person in the world

I DID manage to make an appointment to get $medicalprocedure done. That is a thing I have been putting off for ages and I did it today, so go me.

Tomorrow perhaps if I put my mind to it I can book plane tickets for $businesstrip and finish $simpleworkthing. TBH, though, I should probably think smaller. Can I open up the travel website? Can I copy and paste some numbers from one file to another for $workthing? Can I successfully spend five minutes alone with my thoughts?

Tune in next time. Or don't. I advise don't.


hissingcockroach: (Default)

November 2016

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